Awkwardly Uninvincible

"The problem is that you don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and..."

Tue, 21 May 2013 20:24:07 +0800

“The problem is that you don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and over and over again. You have to make that choice 5-6 times each day. You have to make that choice even when you really don’t want to. It’s not a single choice, and it’s not easy.”

- Carrie’s Blog Post (via inseptica)

TW Dietitian Appointment...

Fri, 17 May 2013 16:08:46 +0800

That was horrible. So horrible. 90 minutes of me arguing with her and arguing with myself and I’ve ended up feeling like a total bag of crap.

I have tried to get better on my own… I really fucking tried and I don’t know what to do. I am asking for help and I don’t know how to change my thought patterns… I need someone to make me accountable because the part of my head that is willing this to completely destroy me is too strong.

All I want to do is to cut or get drunk or something… I give up. I understand everything that she said and I can’t do it. Yes I know it’s black and white but I do not know what to do, I don’t know how to try and make that go away and I’m just so tired.

Part of me just wants to cancel all my appointments and take myself off my meds. Those appointments should go to people that actually seem to be open to the idea of getting better… not stuck in this stupid cycle that only I can break myself out of.

I’m done.

Things not to say to someone with an eating disorder...

Sun, 12 May 2013 20:55:00 +0800

I think you look really lovely! Not underweight at all. I was your size when I got married.

- My mother…

(I’m about to be admitted to hospital because I’m so sick…)

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Fri, 10 May 2013 17:16:51 +0800

31 Days of BPD: Day 1

Tue, 07 May 2013 11:25:48 +0800

Day 1: Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?

2 nights ago…

The lightbulb blew in the bathroom and so I couldn’t see the number on the scales before I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t know how much it was… I’d had chocolate too so I really needed to know. I couldn’t move the scales out of the bathroom because I always weigh myself naked and in exactly the same spot to make sure it’s reasonably accurate.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was so angry with myself for not changing the bulb in daylight but I couldn’t admit to my housemates that I needed to change it right then and there. I have trouble with anger… I don’t really know how to express it… so I can only really acknowledge it when it’s directed towards myself. BPD/OCD/ED is so much fun -_-‘

BPD Awareness Month... better late than never!

Tue, 07 May 2013 11:13:55 +0800

Day 1: Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?
Day 2: Why did your last friendship end?
Day 3: Do you self-harm? If yes, how?
Day 4: Have you ever attempted suicide?
Day 5: Have you ever written a suicide note?
Day 6: How’s your love life?
Day 7: Have you ever dissociated? If so, how often?
Day 8: Do you have any other diagnoses? Which ones?
Day 9: Do you get mood swings?
Day 10: What kind of impulsive decisions have you made?
Day 11: Is there anything you do that helps keep you grounded?
Day 12: What’s your relationship with your family?
Day 13: Are you a perfectionist?
Day 14: Do you ever become obsessive?
Day 15; Have you ever changed your opinions, depending on the people you are with?
Day 16: Does your style (clothing, hair, etc.) change a lot?
Day 17: What are five of your biggest fears?
Day 18: Do you worry what people think of you?
Day 19: What are some lyrics that describe what you’re going through right now?
Day 20: How do you usually express yourself?
Day 21: How many people know about your diagnosis?
Day 22: What’s a random story from your childhood?
Day 23: How do you think other people see you?
Day 24: If you could pick one year of your life to give back and start over, which one would it be?
Day 25: What’s one thing you wish non-borderlines could understand?
Day 26: Name three fictional characters you relate to.
Day 27: Do you have any bad habits?
Day 28: Do you consider yourself high-functioning or low-functioning?
Day 29: If your mind was a house, what would the house look like?
Day 30: What is your “safe place” when you are upset? (This can also be a person.)
Day 31: Post a picture of yourself and tell us your story.

Rant: Kitchen Edition

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:41:03 +0800

Dear Housemate,

I am writing with regards to the downright disgusting state of the kitchen.

On Saturday, I cleaned said kitchen till it was spotless and it pleased me enormously for the 10 minutes until you and your boyfriend came home. I appreciate that you both are trying to eat healthily and I’m thrilled that he has you eating vegetables… but cooking does not end when you eat the meal.

I am sick and tired of washing every single cup, plate, wok, pan, pot, chopping board and item of cutlery you manage to use while home. Do you know how many pairs of rubber gloves I’ve gone through?! It particularly frustrates me when you promise that you will clean them and then fail to do so for at least the next 3 days… by which point I have usually done them to save what little sanity I have left.

Please consider this your final warning. If you do not start to clean up after yourself as a grown man should, you may find these dirty dishes moved from the kitchen benches to your desk so that I don’t have to look at them.

Yours, with little hope that things will change,

Tess.

P.S If you can’t wash the dishes, please at least RINSE them and remove the huge piles of food left on the plate… bugs might enjoy it, but I don’t.

I look like a skeleton :(

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 11:40:40 +0800

I look like a skeleton :(

EDNOS...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 11:36:42 +0800

I am sick.

I know I’m sick, but I don’t seem to be able to do anything about it.

I know all the consequences, I know that it will destroy my life if I keep going but I can’t seem to put more food in my mouth. I love food, I desperately want to eat it and my body needs it. I need it to keep working, to care for the kids I work with, to perform, to be me… but then there’s the huge fuckoff part of me that is so obsessed with the numbers that it doesn’t care if I die.

It just wants me to be 45, but I’m sure that wont be enough and it will want me at 40. It will not stop until I have nothing left.

This body makes me look ill… I have no curves, I’m just bones.

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Sun, 21 Apr 2013 13:41:08 +0800

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Sun, 21 Apr 2013 13:37:28 +0800

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Fri, 19 Apr 2013 10:48:30 +0800

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Fri, 19 Apr 2013 10:44:11 +0800

spoken-not-written: this elephant represents every tumblr user...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 10:42:19 +0800

spoken-not-written:

this elephant represents every tumblr user when doing sport

this-is-tragedy: i cant think about anything else anymore. just...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 09:25:21 +0800

this-is-tragedy:

i cant think about anything else anymore. just numbers.

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Sun, 14 Apr 2013 13:55:16 +0800

thesickestjokes: When a girl says she has experimented with girls, that does not necessarily mean...

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 10:39:56 +0800

thesickestjokes:

When a girl says she has experimented with girls, that does not necessarily mean she’s bi.

She may just be an evil scientist.

My life is rapidly wasting away and getting flushed down the drain. And I don't know what to do.

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 14:10:47 +0800

I am so fucking tired

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 13:50:31 +0800

bpdthings: almost deleted this too. recursive! :(

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 20:37:24 +0800

bpdthings:

almost deleted this too. recursive! :(

Awkwardly Uninvincible

"The problem is that you don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and..."

**TW** Dietitian Appointment...

Things not to say to someone with an eating disorder...

Photo

31 Days of BPD: Day 1

BPD Awareness Month... better late than never!

Rant: Kitchen Edition

I look like a skeleton :(

EDNOS...

Photo

Photo

Photo

Photo

spoken-not-written: this elephant represents every tumblr user...

this-is-tragedy: i cant think about anything else anymore. just...

Photo

thesickestjokes: When a girl says she has experimented with girls, that does not necessarily mean...

My life is rapidly wasting away and getting flushed down the drain. And I don't know what to do.

I am so fucking tired

bpdthings: almost deleted this too. recursive! :(

TW Dietitian Appointment...